Stranger at the Door

Every now and then something happens at work that knocks my pride down a notch or two...

Yesterday I was bringing a CPU over to my system administrator's office. It's at Lloyd High School, in an old part of the building that USED to be the principal's office. It's right beside what USED to be the front doors of the building, but now are just doors that nobody uses anymore because they're hidden by the new cafeteria . But I parked beside the cafeteria and walked over to the windows of my system admin's office, figuring that he'd let me in the building.

The only problem was that he wasn't in his office. So I walked over to the old entrance doors. I don't have a key to the doors, and as I said, this is an OLD entrance, old enough that it doesn't have an electronic key card reader on the locks. But I peered into what USED to be the main lobby of the building (and which is now an art exhibit hall) and saw, in the doorway of the gymnasium across the lobby/exhibit hall, six students. I motioned for one of the students to come and let me in. They didn't budge. I watched as they pointed at me for a few moments and talked among themselves. Once they finished their conversation they all turned towards me and started shaking their heads and pointing towards the CURRENT front entrance of the school.

I started to get angry. Didn't these kids know who I was? But I couldn't really get angry because the answer was obvious: No, they DIDN'T know who I was. And actually, they were doing the exact right thing. They shouldn't let a stranger into the building.

I got on my cell phone to call my system administrator to see if he was SOMEWHERE in the building and could let me in. While I was on the phone, a Lloyd teacher--I'll call her Emily--came walking by and the girls stopped her and pointed at me and talked to her. I hung up my cell phone, figuring she was going to let me in. After talking to the girls for a moment, she walked over to the door and shouted (I heard it through the double glass as barely above a whisper), "This isn't the main entrance anymore! You'll have to drive around to the front of the building and they'll let you in there!"

I looked at her with a smile on my face, thinking she was kidding. I pointed at the door handle. She frowned. "Sir, you're going to have to go to the front entrance! You can't come in here!"

"Emily!" I shouted back. "It's me! Bryan!"

"I'm sorry, sir," she said with a scowl. "You need to go around to the front of the building, or I'm going to alert the administrators!"

No smile cracked through her demeanor. She really didn't know me. I waved her off. "I'll walk around!" And I did. And as I did so a single thought occurred to me:

I need to get out in the buildings more often...

The BLEEPING Microphone

Here is a post (maybe better to call it a "rant"?) directed towards a specific group of people. You'll recognize who I'm directing this message toward immediately...

Imagine that you're sitting at a meeting of some sort. A training or a workshop maybe. It's a large crowd, and the speaker is using a microphone and audio system to project his voice to the back of the room. After talking for several minutes and engaging the audience, the speaker then introduces another person. There is applause for the new person as he walks to the front of the room, and then the previous speaker hands the microphone to the new speaker.

This new speaker does one of two things. He either takes the microphone and looks at it for a few seconds like it's some strange object he's never seen before (think of the ape creature with the bone at the beginning of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY) and then hands the microphone right back to the first speaker, or the second speaker outright refuses to even touch the microphone. The people in the first few rows might hear the new speaker mumble something like, "I hate those things." Then the new speaker draws in a deep breath, stands up straight, and shouts--absolutely SHOUTS--as loudly as he can, "CAN EVERYBODY HEAR ME IN THE BACK?"

It's to that second speaker that I want to address this blog post today. And here's what I want to say:

Use the BLEEPing microphone, moron!

If you just used the microphone, you wouldn't have had to begin your speech with that question! You'd KNOW the people in the back could hear you. Also, you wouldn't have to shout so loudly that the people in the front have to recoil in pain. Also, you wouldn't strain your voice. Also, you wouldn't have to do what you inevitably end up doing, which is take the microphone anyway about halfway through your speech when the people in the back complain that they still can't hear you! Also, you wouldn't look like an idiot!

Friend, the microphone and connected audio system are there to assist you. They help you project your voice. Go ahead and make use of them. It's what they're there for.

What is your problem? Is it that you hate the sound of your own voice? Get over it. Everyone else here wants to hear your voice. Think about them.

If that's not it, then what is it? Is it some macho thing? Do you think your voice is strong enough that you don't need a mike? Guess what? It doesn't matter how big your voice is--once the audience has gotten used to hearing everyone else coming through the audio system, your voice is going to sound tiny. People are going to have to strain to hear you. And when people are working hard to HEAR, it makes it harder for them to LISTEN.

So please, stop shouting at us, and use the mother BLEEPing microphone!

Voice Recognition

I don't own an iPhone, but I was so happy to hear all of the stories about the new SIRI voice control feature of the iPhone. I've heard that the program is intuitive and "smart" enough to understand what a human is saying without the human having to say something exactly the right way. And that makes me happy because I'm hoping that it will mean an improvement is coming soon to the automatic answering system.

I hate automatic answering systems when you call for help that--in the name of being more user friendly--have replaced the menu of options ("Press '1' for sales, press '2' for support...") with a system that wants you to just talk to it. Invariably, they get my message wrong no matter how carefully I try to speak. And heaven help you if you get frustrated.

I don't understand why the need to make this change. Pressing "1" for sales was pretty easy, to be frank. But no! These new systems try too hard to be fancy. My conversations typically go like this.

RECORDED VOICE: Thank you for calling (FILL IN THE BLANK). I'm here to help you. Please let me know what I can do for you. For instance, you might say "Pick up a package." Or maybe, "Schedule a delivery." Or perhaps--


ME: I need to talk to an operator about a billing issue.


(Long Pause)


RECORDED VOICE: Okay. I can help you schedule a pickup. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?


ME: I don't need to schedule a pickup. I just need to talk to an operator.


RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. I didn't understand. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?

ME: Billing!

RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. Is the pickup location in Billings, Montana?

ME: Operator!

RECORDED VOICE: I didn't catch that. Could you say it again?

ME: Operator!

RECORDED VOICE: Okay. You'd like to schedule a pickup. I can help with that. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?



(At this point I just start pounding the zero button on my phone. After about ten presses I pause, praying to the gods that an operator is going to pick up. There's a long pause, as if the phone system is punishing me for pressing the button too many times, before the recorded voice is back again.)
 
RECORDED VOICE: You entered area code 0-0-0, 0-0-0-0-0-0-0. Is this the phone number associated with the pickup address for this item?
 
ME: Oh, screw YOU!
 
RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. I didn't undestand. Is the phone number area code 0-0-0, 0-0-0-0-0-0-0 associated with the pickup address for this item? Say "yes" for yes, or "no" for no.
 
ME: Make me!
 
RECORDED VOICE: Okay. Let me check that phone number (VERY short pause, as if the machine KNEW there was no address associated with that number and is just TRYING to tick me off). I'm sorry, but I couldn't find a phone number associated with area code 0-0-0, 0-0-0-0-0-0-0. Is there another phone number associated with this address. Say "yes" for yes, or--
 
ME: I hope you die in whatever sort of painful way that a computer might die!
 
RECORDED VOICE: Say "yes" for yes, or "n--
 
ME: Bite ME!
 
RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. I didn't understand that. Could you say it again?
 
ME: (louder) BITE ME!!!!
 
RECORDED VOICE: Okay. I can help you schedule a pickup. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?


Tell me how that is easier than just pressing buttons?

Care and Maintenance

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I was having problems with my smartphone recently. As I was working to determine the issue, I did something I almost never do: I got out the owner's manual and flipped through it (I was actually surprised to find that there WAS a paper owner's manual. I'm used to most of these things being in .PDF form on a disc).

As I scanned through the owner's manual, my eyes fell upon the "Care and maintenance" section. I read through the bulleted list of warnings, and one struck me as funny. No, it wasn't the "Keep the device dry" warning. I've actually known several people who've inadvertantly taken their cell phone swimming with them. Nor did I find the warning to not use "harsh chemicals" to clean the phone amusing. I'd never do so personally, but I guess that there are people who don't know better who might try such things. No, it was the last warning that made me laugh out loud: "Do not paint the device. Paint can clog the moving parts and prevent proper operation."

What made me laugh was the fact that--with lists of warnings like this--it must be that someone at some time has done all of these things. And while I can imagine why someone would take a cell phone from a very hot location to a very cold location without allowing the phone to adjust, or why someone might use something other than a camera lens cloth to clean the surface of the phone, I can't imagine why anyone would want to paint it.

I can just imagine the conversation on the telephone support line...

Operator: (obviously reading from a script) Thank you for calling Nokia, the world's leading maufacturer of cellular phone systems. My name is Joshua, and I am here to help you. What seems to be the problem?

User: The screen lock dial on my phone doesn't seem to be working.

Operator (still obviously reading from a script): I am sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your Nokia smart phone. I can certainly help you with your problem and make sure it's resolved. Can you tell me what was happening just before your problem began?

User: Well, the problem began right about the time I painted my phone.

Operator (Long Pause): Uh, excuse me? (now obviously OFF script)

User: Yeah, I didn't like the basic black of my phone, so I went to the Home Depot and got an oil based enamel and painted it sort of a deep red. Uh, hang on...(momentary pause)...Yeah, the name on the side of the can of paint is "Candy Apple Red," if that's any help...

Operator: Sir, please excuse me. Am I to understand that you PAINTED your cellular phone?

User: That's right...Uh, do you think that might have something to do with it?...

I can imagine when the phone call is over the operator contacting his superior and saying, "Bob, we're going to need to revise the standard warnings in the manual again..."

I did it!

One of the greatest ironies of my job is that--as head of technology for the school district--I am officially in charge of the phone systems. I say that's an irony because I find myself for some unknown reason completely incapable of running one of the complex office phones that we have. I actually wrote a post about this a couple of years ago, so I won't bother going through it again. What I DO want to do, though, is share with you an excerpt from an actual phone conversation I had this morning. This is word for word (at least, as close I can remember) how the conversation went:

You don't need to hear the beginning of the conversation. Let me just start towards the end...

CALLER: ...That fixes my problem. Thanks.

ME: No problem.

CALLER: Can you transfer me to Jeanine now? I need to ask her a question.

(Long pause)

CALLER: You there, Bryan?

ME: Uh...

CALLER: Should I just call back?

ME: (Feeling a little indignant at the question) No. I just...I think I know how to transfer a call, but...I have to know Jeanine's extension...Let me think...What's Jeanine's extension?...

(Another Long Pause)

CALLER: Don't worry about it. I'll just call back.

ME: (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! Right below one of the buttons on my phone it says "JEANINE." I think that MIGHT be her extension. Uh, but now I don't know how to transfer you to that extension.

CALLER: Well, one button has her name on it. Is there another button that says "Transfer."

ME: Let me look...no...

CALLER: I'm calling back!...

ME: ...but there IS one that says "Transfr" without the "e." I bet if I hit THAT and then hit the button that says "JEANINE" I'll send you there!

CALLER: Makes sense.
____________________________________

So I'm here today with great pride to let you know that I actually DID transfer (or "transfr") a call.

Made my week!

Prayer for the Educational CIO

I found myself actually saying a variation of this prayer at a long traffic light one morning this week.

Dear God,

All my life I wish to serve You, and in my current job, I serve You by serving other people. Help me remember that.

Help me remember many things, Lord:

--That not everyone I talk to spends 40 hours a week buried in technology, and that many of them don't know a gigabyte from a kilobyte from a dogbite. Help me to not talk over their heads.

--That many people I work with are AFRAID of technology, and if I appear rushed or dismissive to these people, or if I seem to judge them for not being proficient in technology, they may give up and become even LESS inclined to use technology.

--That I shouldn't yell at this person for not knowing that you can turn off a computer by holding the power button in and counting to ten.

--That no piece of technology is worth more than a human being, especially the human being who is seeking my help right now.

--That though I may have fifty things more pressing to the school district than the issue that this person is telling me about,  their problem isn't unimportant to THEM, and that I shouldn't sound dismissive to them.

--That my job is NOT to tinker with technology all day. My job is to help others to help students to learn, and if I'm not doing that, if I can't trace what I'm doing somehow back to that simple idea, I'm not doing my job.

--That the guy who couldn't get an email attachment to open so he tried to reinstall Windows and in the process corrupted his computer, was NOT trying to sabotage my day. He was TRYING to help, and he probably wants to be thanked.

--That though I may already have been told 17 times that email isn't working, this is the first time THIS person has told me, and they're not just telling me again to tick me off.

--That no matter how many times they're instructed otherwise, people will open unknown attachments and get viruses, and people will purchase technology without checking with me to see if their computer can run it or our network is compatible with it, and people will try to send emails about their yard sale to every student and staff member in the district, and people will email me instead of creating a work order, and then they'll create a work order that they can't get their solitaire program to work. People are dumb, God, and give me the patience and the grace to say that to You and not to them.

Help me to remember these things, God, so that I can do my job well, and so that I can help everyone else do their job.

But it's not just they that need help, God. I need help, too, so I ask these things of you:

--If there's a virus out there, help my machines to be patched.

--If there's a thunderstorm coming, help it to not knock out the power and in the process, fry some server.

--If I have important drives whose back ups are corrupt, help the drives to not fail.

--If I have an important report or technology plan or grant proposal or whatever else due, help me finish it on time.

--If I have to recommend a particular piece of technology for purchase, help it to not break six days after it arrives.

And finally, God, help me to remember that in the grand scheme of things, my job really, honestly, truly is not all that important. When I'm dead and gone, people will not remember how well I kept the network running, or how quickly I came and fixed their computers. People will remember how I treated other people, and what kind of person I was.

Help me, God, to be the kind of person that I'll want to be remembered as...

Useles Error Message

This afternoon at work I tried to send an email using my new Microsoft Outlook 2010 program. When I hit the "Send" button on the program the following box popped up:

I laughed out loud when I saw it, especially the hyperlinked question at the bottom of the window: "Was this information helpful?" The message "Cannot send this item" could not be LESS helpful! It's almost not even necessary. The fact that the error box popped up when I hit "Send" pretty much told me there was a problem. What I need to know at that point is WHY it can't be sent so that I can fix the problem.

And the fact that the button ASKS me if the information is helpful tells me that Microsoft KNOWS that it isn't. And don't assume that the link is at the bottom of every error message in Office 2010. It's not. I intentionally caused several other common errors and different message boxes appeared that did not have the hyperlinked question at the bottom. Microsoft KNOWS this is a dumb error message, but doesn't know how to put anything any more informative.

Or maybe the programmer is just mocking me!

Sometimes I'm on the Kids' Side

I was frantically called on the phone by a teacher at one of the schools a couple of years ago. She said that something was terribly wrong with all of the computers in her computer lab. When I asked her what the problem was, she said, "All of the screens are backward!"

"What do you mean 'backward'?" I asked.

"I don't know!" she said. "They're all backward!"

I couldn't get any more intelligently out of her, so I told her I'd get to her lab as quickly as I could. About ten minutes later I walked over to the computer lab at the school. I walked in and immediately laughed. The screens weren't backward. They were upside down. Some students had gone into the graphics properties on the computers and rotated the display on every one of them 180 degrees. The displays were upside down.

And the teacher's solution: she had turned all of the monitors upside down so that the displays would be correct. The monitors were rolling back and forth on top of their curved tops with the stands flailing back and forth in the air. And kids were sitting in chairs trying to type on these monitors.

"What are you laughing about?" the frazzled teacher laughed. "Do you see what I mean? They're BACKWARD!"

"I'm sorry I laughed," I said sincerely. "It's just that...well..you have the monitors upside down!"

"What else was I supposed to do?" she yelled at me. "I have classes to teach!"

"You're right," I said. "I'm sorry. And you did what you had to do to get back to teaching. I think it's great that you found a solution. Here," I said, pointing her to one of the computers where no student was sitting, "let me show you what's wrong." I got on the computer and showed her how to rotate the monitor's display.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "That's so easy! How did you know how to do that?"

I shrugged and smiled. "It's what they pay me for. I can help you get the rest of these fixed if you'd like."

"No, no, no," she said. "I can do the rest of these! I'm just glad you came over. How do you think something like this could have happened?"

I glanced over at the students. Two boys in the corner were trying hard to stifle their laughter. They weren't very successful. "I don't know," I told her. "It could be several things. My guess is that there was some kind of update to the graphics card that was downloaded automatically last night and that might have done something. I wouldn't worry about it. You know how to fix it, and unless it keeps happening," I said as I raised my eyebrows and shot a meaningful glance at the two boys, "I wouldn't spend too much time on it."

"Well, thanks again!" she said, and I thanked HER for being willing to rotate the other monitors herself, and I went out the door.

Why didn't I call out the kids for what they did? Technically, they were vandalizing the equipment. They had violated the "Acceptable Use Policy" that they had signed. They could have been given discipline ranging from detention to a ban from computers for the rest of the year. Why didn't I give them the punishment they'd earned?

The answer is simple: when I was a student, I would have done the same thing.

I Don't Know Everything

The title of this post is obvious, but sometimes I have to admit that I really feel like a fool when it comes to things I DON'T know at work.

As the district's technology guru I'm expected to know everything there is to know about computer stuff, and many people expect me to have other technical skills as well. And the fact that I'm not afraid to go to maintenance and get a drill or a paint brush or whatever else I need to get something done adds to that belief.

But I really DON'T know everything, and I can think of two specific examples of times when I've had to apologize for it.

This morning I was the first one in the board office, which isn't a first for me, but it's the first time that's been the case since the electronic lock on our front door broke and we've gone back to using a manual lock with a real live key. And I couldn't figure out how to work the thing! I ended up standing in front of the door wrestling with the key and the keyhole until one of the secretaries showed up and showed me how it was done. And she laughed and said, "Aren't you supposed to be a technology whiz? And you can't open a lock!"

This reminded me of a situation from just a few months ago. It was Administrative Assistant's Day (used to be called "Secretary's Day"), and as a treat the superintendent, assistant superintendent, and I paid to send all of the board secretaries to dinner and to a massage/manicure during an extra extra extra long lunch break. While they were gone we agreed to answer the phones in their place.

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of answering the phones. The first couple of callers wanted me anyway, and though they were surprised that I answered the phones, I explained what was going on and things went smoothly.

The third caller wanted the superintendent. I hit the "Hold" button on my phone and then shouted at my superintendent (who is right across the hall from me), "Hey Mike! [So and so] is on line 50!"

The fourth caller, though, wanted one of the secretaries. "She's out right now," I told the caller, who was a teacher in one of the buildings and who apparently hadn't recognized my voice. "Can I send you to her voice mail?"

"That would be fine," the caller said.

I put her on hold and then stared at the phone for about 7 seconds. Then I took her back off hold and said, "Yeah, Pam...uh, I don't know how to send you to her voice mail."

"Excuse me?" she said.

"Well, I don't usually answer the phone. All of the secretaries are out of the building for Secretary's Day, and I don't really know how to send a call to the voice mail system."

By now the caller had recognized my voice. "Bryan? Is that you?"

Sheepishly I answered, "Uh, yeah, I guess it is."

"Aren't you IN CHARGE of the phone systems?" she asked me.

"Well, technically," I told her. "But I just call the guy to come and work on them. I don't touch them. And I pretty much just RECEIVE calls in my office. I never have to transfer them anywhere. No one's shown me how."

"But don't you PROGRAM the phones every year when new employees arrive and when we need additional lines?"

"No, I just make sure that a couple of people in each building know how to do that."

It was a humbling moment. And as more and more technology is placed in the district, and as I delegate more and more of it to others, I'm sure these will not be the last of these types of moments.