Voice Recognition

I don't own an iPhone, but I was so happy to hear all of the stories about the new SIRI voice control feature of the iPhone. I've heard that the program is intuitive and "smart" enough to understand what a human is saying without the human having to say something exactly the right way. And that makes me happy because I'm hoping that it will mean an improvement is coming soon to the automatic answering system.

I hate automatic answering systems when you call for help that--in the name of being more user friendly--have replaced the menu of options ("Press '1' for sales, press '2' for support...") with a system that wants you to just talk to it. Invariably, they get my message wrong no matter how carefully I try to speak. And heaven help you if you get frustrated.

I don't understand why the need to make this change. Pressing "1" for sales was pretty easy, to be frank. But no! These new systems try too hard to be fancy. My conversations typically go like this.

RECORDED VOICE: Thank you for calling (FILL IN THE BLANK). I'm here to help you. Please let me know what I can do for you. For instance, you might say "Pick up a package." Or maybe, "Schedule a delivery." Or perhaps--


ME: I need to talk to an operator about a billing issue.


(Long Pause)


RECORDED VOICE: Okay. I can help you schedule a pickup. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?


ME: I don't need to schedule a pickup. I just need to talk to an operator.


RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. I didn't understand. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?

ME: Billing!

RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. Is the pickup location in Billings, Montana?

ME: Operator!

RECORDED VOICE: I didn't catch that. Could you say it again?

ME: Operator!

RECORDED VOICE: Okay. You'd like to schedule a pickup. I can help with that. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?



(At this point I just start pounding the zero button on my phone. After about ten presses I pause, praying to the gods that an operator is going to pick up. There's a long pause, as if the phone system is punishing me for pressing the button too many times, before the recorded voice is back again.)
 
RECORDED VOICE: You entered area code 0-0-0, 0-0-0-0-0-0-0. Is this the phone number associated with the pickup address for this item?
 
ME: Oh, screw YOU!
 
RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. I didn't undestand. Is the phone number area code 0-0-0, 0-0-0-0-0-0-0 associated with the pickup address for this item? Say "yes" for yes, or "no" for no.
 
ME: Make me!
 
RECORDED VOICE: Okay. Let me check that phone number (VERY short pause, as if the machine KNEW there was no address associated with that number and is just TRYING to tick me off). I'm sorry, but I couldn't find a phone number associated with area code 0-0-0, 0-0-0-0-0-0-0. Is there another phone number associated with this address. Say "yes" for yes, or--
 
ME: I hope you die in whatever sort of painful way that a computer might die!
 
RECORDED VOICE: Say "yes" for yes, or "n--
 
ME: Bite ME!
 
RECORDED VOICE: I'm sorry. I didn't understand that. Could you say it again?
 
ME: (louder) BITE ME!!!!
 
RECORDED VOICE: Okay. I can help you schedule a pickup. Is the pickup address associated with the phone number from which you are dialing?


Tell me how that is easier than just pressing buttons?